I'm not sure this is a good idea....

.....But I think it's important that I do this, so that when I stumble upon it in a few months I'll remember the things that I realised about myself.

It's been an odd winter, that much can be read within the paragraphs of over analytical, seasonally affected ramblings I've been trawling through on this blog. I only really ever post here with the strong knowledge that nobody reads it other than a few close comrades, somehow that makes it easier to voice things that would otherwise stay internal (or certainly off the internet). I've been struggling with some medical issues, as anyone who's seen me in real life and has functioning eyesight will vouch for. A few years ago I started having minor problems with my skin, having got through the delights of adolescence fairly acne free I was pretty annoyed that my hormones decided to come back and bite me at the age of 20. However, with some potions and lotions and a little help from the NHS it's mostly been fine. The attitude I take towards my health is governed by the phrase 'it could be worse!'. In hindsight I should have touched some wood or rubbed a lucky charm upon exclaiming this........because it has got worse. My prescribed potions stopped working at the beginning of the winter, then I think due to being run down and unhappy it became infected, then it seems that I'm unable to respond to antibiotics. Skip to the end.

I've told myself many things; it's not cancer, everybody's too busy worrying about their own crap to care how you look, it won't be forever. But it's amazing how something so trivial can literally affect everything you do. I find it hard to be at work because I know how I must appear to colleagues and customers, I wouldn't want to have to look at me all day that's for sure. It weeps, it bleeds. It wakes me up at night, partly because it hurts, also because I have overly dramatic dreams where I wake up and it's gone. So I wake up, and it's not gone. A lot of the time I don't want to socialise, I certainly don't want to see anybody I've been in any way romantically involved with (or considered the possibility of being). Getting up on a stage, or under a bright light to perform music has been very hard, I feel that little bit more exposed. I've stopped going swimming, which I love, because I got a few audible comments, and a couple of mutters;

"I hope it's not infectious, I wouldn't want to catch that".

Amongst all this there has been some revelations, things that are important that I keep with me, lessons that need to be remembered. Because you know what? It really and truly doesn't matter what you look like to most people, and even when you feel it does you can still keep a smile on your face and look them right in the eyes. It's only when you look your worst that you learn how to lose your vanity. I never thought of myself as beautiful but I was more pre-occupied with my appearance than I should have been, once you lose the option of looking and feeling pretty it stops mattering. I'm going to feel great once it starts clearing up, which I'm confident it will as my hardcore hospital treatments kick in (3-6 months maybe....I'm learning patience too) but ultimately I'm glad it's happened. It's taken feeling right down low about myself to allow me to feel the best about myself.