I haven't written anything for a while, not online, or in a book, or as a lyric. Starting to get that sinking feeling I get around this time of year where I feel like an impostor, some court jester doing a constant impersonation of myself. People tell you they write songs, diaries or journals for themselves, to hold memories, isn't there always an element of seeking approval? Can you ever really write honestly about yourself if there's a constant feeling that you're trying to portray something, that you want the reader or listener to think of you in a certain way. It makes me terrified of ever uttering a word again, for fear that all I am is the perception I want people to have of me. I'd like to convince myself that there is an essence to who we are. That, despite adapting to others and surroundings, we have a core to us that is strong and true. I desperately want to believe that when stripped of my relationships and interactions, I can still be truly myself.
I think I need to hole up somewhere remote for the winter, possibly every year for the rest of my life. Just to stop me spouting crap like this........
