I haven't written anything for a while, not online, or in a book, or as a lyric. Starting to get that sinking feeling I get around this time of year where I feel like an impostor, some court jester doing a constant impersonation of myself. People tell you they write songs, diaries or journals for themselves, to hold memories, isn't there always an element of seeking approval? Can you ever really write honestly about yourself if there's a constant feeling that you're trying to portray something, that you want the reader or listener to think of you in a certain way. It makes me terrified of ever uttering a word again, for fear that all I am is the perception I want people to have of me. I'd like to convince myself that there is an essence to who we are. That, despite adapting to others and surroundings, we have a core to us that is strong and true. I desperately want to believe that when stripped of my relationships and interactions, I can still be truly myself.
I think I need to hole up somewhere remote for the winter, possibly every year for the rest of my life. Just to stop me spouting crap like this........
I've sent you a postcard about this... I think the best options are to either get a cabin in some woods with a woodburner stove, a good library and a lot of tea and biscuits and read rather than write for the winter - like those bald wet folk do at the end of Minority Report - or pay somebody else to write about you so instead of doing it yourself or write yourself - with the colour and lack of objectivity such writing necessitates - but keep that writing in a box somewhere until enough time has passed that you can be more objectified.
ReplyDeleteLife can only be understood backwards but must be lived forwards, unfortunately... and retrospect is a killer!
x Dan